I have to be honest with everyone that has been keeping up with my blog writings. I hope you all wont be disappointed in what im about to say. In fact i hope you will be proud that ive come to let you know what ive done.

Not too long ago, I committed an act of cruelty. Yes I killed a woman. The bad part about it is that im not remorseful about it. She had it coming. She constantly allowed herself to put trust in others that she shouldnt. She never lived her life for herself. And then had nerve enough to walk around and act like she had it all together. I hate that in a person. She wasnt keeping it real people. Isnt that reason enough to get upset with somene. NO????!!! well how about this. She was one thing to the world but another to her family. No she didnt confess to being straight (yes she was a fellow lesbian). But she didnt let them know what was up. Most of all she wasnt being fair to herself. yeah to be around someone like that isnt healthy.

Now i know you are wondering why i would hurt someone. Well i felt that she hurt me by not keeping it real. People.... the woman was ME. Yes I wasnt being true. But with the death of that woman arose the birth of another. "Charismatic" as she IS, she arose a new person. Talk about reincarnation...lol. So ladies the confidence you see now... all new. The search for only meaningful things in life.... all new. But the personality, sense of humor, smile, and the thing that makes me different.... yes that still remains.

So i ask that you forgive me for committed the crime of killing that woman. But on the inside she was already dead.

The word for the day is TRUST Sure we have a hard time trusting other people. If someone has been untrue to you it will make that task even harder. What process do we go true to believe what someone is telling us? Do we really think it through or mostly give others the benefit of a doubt? What signals do we look for to know that someone is being truthful with us? Its not as easy as answering those questions. Sometimes we let our feelings and emotions govern whether we believe someone or not. We love them and want them to be true so we believe thats what they are. Or it could go as far as us judging someone. We could say "They wouldnt Lie about that". But do we really know.

The problem is sometimes we trust ourselves just a little too much. By that i mean, we trust our own judgement and decisions. I can speak from experience. Ive been in a situation where i thought things through and thought i had made the right decision. Yeah right!!! So where do we go now when you really wonder if you can trust your own self? Sometimes our judgements and decisions can leave us in a tight spot and possibly even hurt others. So trust yourself or not?

Trust it is a big issue. It can hurt you and disappoint you as well. We put our faith in others that they will be honest with us. Sometimes setting ourselves up. But i can honestly say that trusting others is all bad. There are those that are true to their word. True to them selves. Because sometimes we can trust that someone is showing us their true selves. Trusting others and having a positive experience is that moment when we know how to be in a relationship/friendship. When we are true. We have respect not only for other people but for ourselves

Trust.... it is a big deal

Hey you guys, its a new year. And if you are reading my blog im sure you dont want to read some tired old resolutions that i probably wouldnt live up to anyway. If any of you know me you know i procrastinate a little. But anyway its time for that new start..... hey i started a long time ago. Before the new year was even close. I saw change and improvements that needed to be done to myself and in my life during the course of the past year..... so i took care of it then.

No i wont say that there isnt anything that cant be improved because there is plenty, im just saying i wont wait til a new year is coming in to start. With Gods help every day my dreams and visions will be manifested. No im not preaching but i do know where my help comes from.

So what am i doing for the new year. LIVING. Im thinking and doing for myself. Not to please others. Not to make others happy and neglect my own feelings. Dont get me wrong i wont be harsh or mean, but im going to do for me.

God blessed me with a son last year and that is my main priority. I CHOSE to have him, and to me he is truly a blessing. But am i still lonely, of course. I seek someone to simply chill with, converse with and enjoy the simple things in life. I have goals in the near future i would like to achieve nad it would be great to be able to share that with someone special. But i refuse to settle for whatever comes along.

i know i am a beautiful woman inside. And slowly im beginning to see it on the out. I have a lot to offer and i wont compromise my feelings or wants to get it. I dont feel like i have to settle.

Well enough of the self empowerment, i look forward to this new year. I will be living through the eyes of my child. I dont have to live vicariously through others this year.

I wish you all the best. Godspeed

I had one of those days. I must say that i woke up oblivious to how many emotions i would go through in one day. I thought i knew where i was. I thought life was taking a turn for the better. Yeah i had my baby. I had him by choice. And no i dont regret my decision. I have mixed feelings about some other decisions i have made. Ive been smiling. Ive been faking. Inside im really hurting. 9 months  ago i ended a relationship with Diane. I thought i would get over it easily. Its her birthday and lately i have been thinking of her a lot. I know i wont make any drastic moves that will inevitably lead me back in her life. Im not sure i want to go through that. But i do still love her. No im not in love with her. And i miss the children ever so badly.

But what about me. I feel so incomplete. Like there is a void in my life. And honestly i dont know where that comes from. im tired of walking around acting like im happy and im not. I feel i live two seperate lives. I want to be happy. i want to share that happiness with someone else. Its never been so hard to find someone meaningful. I hurt.

To be continued

Well, its been a while since i have  had time to express myself. I have so many feelings and emotions going on right now. One minute im lonely and then im content. I have been alone since DEC. And it feels different. Ive always had someone in my life. Whether a close friend or a lover. I really have learned who my friends are. And i realized i really dont need them. However i feel like i have so much to offer someone right now. But then i feel like my life is just stagnant. I thought of going back to things and people who are familiar to me. But then i dont want to back track.  I want a new start, learn some new things. I have to be honest with myself. Life is a lesson learned. The good days the bad days. People we want in our life and those we dont. I have those people that i miss right now and i know i shouldnt. its the loneliness kicking in. Im in a place in my life where i want to settle down but all i meet are people that want to play games. I thought by dating older women i would find what i wanted/needed. I was wrong. Now and only now i love myself and thats enough.

To be continued.......

Well its been a while since i even thought of blogging. But for some strange reason SHE (Diane) was on my mind today. Why i dont know. I think im finally becoming lonely. And my mind heads back to my last lover. Well i have a lot going on right now. Not all bad or unpleasant, but my life is full of things to take care of. Thankfully i have taken time to heal. My heart is no longer broken and i no longer feel so disappointed. I can move on. Of course i hit that stage a while back but now i really want to. I want to share my time with someone. Learn new things. My time will come